Have you ever walked away from a conversation and realized you have no idea what was just said? Not because it didn’t matter, but somehow, you weren’t really listening. This happens more often than we’d like to admit.
In her book You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters, Kate Murphy explores that quiet but uncomfortable reality: listening is something we assume we do well but rarely examine closely. This book clearly addresses many issues we have as a society with our lack of listening skills, from psychology to physiology.
While she points to technology as a major factor in the demise of our societal listening skills, it feels more like a symptom than the root cause. Simply blaming technology keeps us from digging deeper into other causes for our lack of listening, and it’s likely different for each person.
Kate is a journalist who has written for many publications, including The New York Times and The Economist. Her research for this book involved interviewing people whose jobs involved developing keen listening skills, from a bartender to a qualitative researcher to a former CIA agent. The stories they tell throughout this book are insightful and engaging.
Anyone who seeks to understand others better, or understand why they are consistently misunderstood, can benefit from this book.
The way Kate weaves together interviews and their real-world applications is thought provoking. Some of the most intriguing ideas came from her conversations with a former CIA agent. In that world, listening isn’t just a social skill. It can be the difference between life and death. Most of us won’t face stakes that high, but the principle lingers: the more it matters, the more carefully we need to listen.
One of the more practical insights came from her interviews with Naomi Henderson, a qualitative researcher known for her work with focus groups. Instead of asking questions that steer people toward an answer, she invites them to tell a story: “Tell me about the last time you went to the store after 11p.m.” It’s a small shift, but it changes everything. It makes space. It signals patience. It allows something real to emerge.
A more technical portion was when Kate discussed the physiology of listening. If we don’t hear well, then we can’t listen well. This chapter did get a bit heavy in places, but it also reminded me that smart earbuds may not be a bad investment for loud environments.
That idea connected with another concept she explores: the difference between a shift response and a support response. A shift response turns the focus back to the listener and may go like this:
John: “My dog got out last week, and it took three days to find him.”
Mary: “Our dog is always digging under the fence, so we can’t let him out unless he’s on a leash.”
A support response, on the other hand keeps the focus on the speaker and may go like this:
John: “My dog got out last week, and it took three days to find him.”
Mary: “Oh no. Where did you finally find him?”
Many times I know I default to the shift response, thinking I’m being empathetic with the speaker and keeping the focus on them, when really, I may be relating, but I’m also redirecting, unintentionally pulling the focus away from the person who was trying to be heard. Personal challenge to work on asking support questions this year accepted.
Not every part of the book landed the same way. Her perspective on gossip, for example, challenged my assumptions, but didn’t fully convince me. It’s possible we’re defining the word differently, but I’m still not sure there’s a better one for what she’s describing.
What stayed with me most was the underlying idea that listening isn’t passive. It’s a choice. And not just whether we listen, but how, to whom, and when, shapes more than our conversations. It shapes our relationships, our understanding, and in subtle ways, the direction of our lives.
I would highly recommend this book. It didn’t just change how I think about listening. It made me realize how often I’m not actually doing it.
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